:: rest ::

just FYI: the pics in this post have NOTHING at all to do with the writing. But I know you, my crazies. A post without pics screams, “pass me over!!” “don’t read me!!!” “nothing good here!”

these are just some thoughts i’ve had today:

i’ve been thinking about the word REST today, and what exactly it means. I confessed to Jake last night through tears that I never feel like i’m at rest. I feel so guilty saying it, because I do not hold a full time job outside of the home, I only have 2 kids, they are both in school half of the week, I have a husband that is here, engaged, helpful, and loving, I live in a pretty simplified home at the moment with less to clean and maintain, the list could go on and on and on. And I feel guilty typing that here, because I KNOW that some of you reading are presently dealing with far far harder things than I can even fathom. Hear this…I AM SO SORRY!! I think even that truth adds to my unrest.

For some reason…actually for many reasons…my brain still goes a mile a minute…no…make that a mile a second. (see…i told you!) I often feel like I have multiple personalities…i think one thing, then in the next second I think another…and on and on and on…

It seems as if i’m always swirling something around in my head…really multiple things at a time. Life feels heavy. There is SO much brokenness just in our small circles, not to mention when I dwell on other places i’ve visited like Haiti and Costa Rica. Every time I turn around, I hear “bad news.” and then lets not even get started on the brokenness and mess in my own heart. Struggles, longings, frustrations, strivings. These external hardships I see in the lives of people around me on the outside are only a picture of what my inside looks like….broken, messy, confused, withered, tired. Life is just simply hard sometimes. And I get bogged down.

And then in the midst of all that, comes the pressure I put on myself, to fulfill expectations, to change, to maintain life, order, control. That pressure alone puts me on a never ending cycle of despair….

and my mind never stops, and therefore I am never really at rest. My mind never stops telling me that I need to fix things, make things better, get better, do better, live differently, help more, love the Hubs more, be a better mom, be more intentional, teach more, have more faith, have more hope, read more, pray more, study more, love Jesus more…..

are you like me? Do you know people who just seem to love Jesus SO MUCH? I mean…that’s awesome. It really is. It REALLY is! But honestly…if i’m gonna be really real…it makes me feel like crap about myself. It makes me struggle. It makes me wonder what the H-E-double hockey stick- is wrong with me…why I can’t be like that, why i’m so dang messed up, why I stink as a wife, mom, friend…tired at even the thought of needing to do more?

(the Enemy tells me these lies all the time. I claim them now as lies. I know that. But they are still floating around this little brain of mine.)

Here’s one of the many swirling thoughts i’ve had lately.

This is going to be bold to say. It won’t seem right. It might even be scandalous. But I really am beginning to believe it is far truer and more freeing than anything. So here goes: “I would rather not be defined as one who loves Jesus.” I’ll pause while that sinks in….

it seems sacrilegious, doesn’t it?

But don’t we somewhat define people that way…describe so and so as, “she really loves Jesus.” or “he really serves God.” or “look at all she does to love Jesus.” or “they are a Jesus-loving family.”

But the truth is…i’m beginning to believe that i’d SO MUCH RATHER be defined as “the one whom Jesus loves!”

it might be passed over as just semantics, but its really a huge difference. It changes the way I live, the way I think, the way I rest.

As long as i’m living to be defined as one who loves Jesus, I can’t possibly see how I will ever rest. My mind will never stop telling me all the ways i’m failing. Or on some days, all the ways I think i’ve “done well” but that I now need to maintain. It’ll never stop comparing. It’ll never be satisfied. It will always be thirsting for more action, more doing, more security. That’s just simply exhausting.

But when I live as the one whom Jesus loves, rest follows. It can’t NOT! It does away with the striving, the fear, the unfulfilling quest to be more and do more.

And you know what might just come with true REST? A true desire to love in return. So living as the one whom Jesus loves is really the only way to be one who loves Jesus…really. I’ll type that again so its clear: living as the one whom Jesus loves is really the only way to be one who loves Jesus.

in my mind, the cart gets before the horse (is that even a real saying? I get confused with phrases like that ALL THE TIME and then Jake laughs at me for days…make that forever.)

here’s where the cart gets before the horse….

I confuse myself into thinking that being one who loves Jesus will make me the one whom Jesus loves.

But its just simply not true.

Psalm 51:16-17 from the Message says,

“Going through the motions doesn’t please you, God, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.”

wow…how much of my life has/is spent trying hard to live the flawless performance? Trying hard to “love Jesus well”?

I often beat myself up because in comparison (which is a topic for a whole other day…its deadly, people, deadly!) I fall short. I can always always find someone who seems to love Jesus more than me. Are you like me, in that when you know someone who just seems to love Jesus, it doesn’t really spur you on to love Jesus more? It might seem like it does, but if i’m really honest…it in fact spurs me on to DO MORE, with the sole purpose really to make myself feel better about myself. So its not loving Jesus…its loving myself. Does that make sense?

I’ve gotten it all backwards. According to that verse, (and many others) He simply wants my heart-shattered life, ready for love. Well…i’ve certainly got the heart shattered life! The heart and head that constantly spins out of control, trying trying trying…striving striving striving. But that heart shattered life…that’s all He wants! To me, that sounds like He’d rather define me as The One Whom Jesus Loves, as opposed to the one who loves Jesus. I think He knows that one just simply follows the other.

Psalm 46:10 says,

“Cease striving and know that I am God.”

The expression “cease striving” means in Hebrew to “let your hands drop” or to “let go” or “relax.”

wow…that sounds restful, doesn’t it?? you mean…i get to just relax and trust that He’s God? I get to stop trying to be one who loves Jesus and instead be the one whom Jesus loves? YOU MEAN…I CAN REST???!!!

** as always, please do not use any pictures off this blog without my permission **

Follow

Share