Nov
01
Radical
(DISCLOSURE): I am using the word “radical” in this post for a number of reasons. I am referring to the current idea of being a “radical Christian” and living a “radical life for Jesus.” its the idea that our lives are supposed to be extraordinary for Jesus. It has nothing to do with the book titled Radical
(also…the pictures in this post are long overdue! they are from our family photo shoot that we did when Berkeley was 10 days old. they were taken by my sweet friend, Taylor, from Daisy Mai Photography. you might remember her from here and here. love her, love her skills, and if you need a photog for a wedding, family shoot, newborn shoot, etc, she is amazing!!)
This post has been stirring in my heart for a long time. I think its because the last year for me has not looked all that much like a “radical life.” My pregnancy…oh man…it did me in, more than I even realized in the moment. I was useless for the majority of my pregnancy! Having a newborn…it can be isolating. My life…it looks a lot different these days then it used to. I haven’t been involved in many grand or exciting things in terms of ministry. I don’t have time to get many things done during the day. I can barely maintain this blog, and sometimes it hangs over me, like i’m letting people down. I live in a wealthy neighborhood (in which I totally don’t belong.) When I think about this idea of living radically like i’ve been hearing so much about lately, and then I look at my life, it seems as if it is anything but radical.
My life for the past few months and for the next stretch of time has and will continue to look alot like this:
Feed baby…Change baby…Wash diapers…Hold baby…Rock baby…Love on older kids…Manage school schedules, sports schedules, dance schedules…Cook…clean…do laundry…do it all over again. As my friend said the other day, its Groundhog Day at its finest!
There’s no mission trip scheduled in there. No inner city work. No Bible study leading. No selling all I have. No moving to a foreign country. No participation in any grand social justice movement. Nothing that looks all that radical. i’m just getting through the daily responsibilites of being a SAHM.
But as I ponder this uselessness I feel, I have to wonder where in the world do those feelings come from? Is it from other people? Do we unknowingly make each other feel this way? Is it my own insecurities? Is it from Satan? All of the above?
We currently have a crazy living situation. We are living in an amazing house in a very wealthy gated community, nestled in a very wealthy beach town. And God moved us here. Its crazy. Trust me when I tell you that we don’t fit it here. It doesn’t make sense…my hubby is in full time ministry. I am a SAHM. We do not come from wealthy familes. We have a small income. I do not fully understand why God opened this door for us, and why He placed us here. In all honesty, I feel loads and loads of guilt over it. “Be radical” is the call I keep hearing over and over again. And I can’t help but to ask myself, how is this radical…my life as a SAHM, just surviving through the day in and day out responsibilties, comfortable in my roomy house, secure behind the closed gates of my wealthy neighborhood?
I’ve been posing that question to myself a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about this idea of being radical, and wondering what it means for me and my family. And I wonder if any of you might struggle with this too.
A few weeks ago, I was awakened by screams coming from the kitchen. So I run out to find my 9 year old standing in the middle of the kitchen amongst an entire gallon of milk that has just been dropped on the floor. (A full, brand new, organic, $6 gallon to be specific.) Covering the entire kitchen floor. When I’ve only got about 20 mins to get them ready for school and to get myself to a doctor’s appt on time. you know what I wanted to do? I wanted to heap on the guilt and condemnation. I wanted to say I told you so. I wanted to scare him enough to make sure it never happened again. By God’s grace, none of that nonsense came out of my mouth. Instead, we were able to clean it up while laughing and reassuring Canaan that it was just an accident and not to worry one bit about it. I think that was pretty radical.
I don’t know why this is, but it is a really really really big deal to Bella that either Jake or I walk her out to the bus stop in the mornings (and really…her preference for that particular job is me. I think its because if its me, then she knows that means that its Berkeley too.) but this is like a HUGE deal to her. Like she’ll double and triple check with me on Friday after school if I can walk her out on monday morning. Let me tell you…the VERY LAST THING I want to do in the mornings is show my tired, unwashed, just nursed face and body to my neighborhood. The bus stop is in my backyard, and I can literally watch my kids get on the bus from the couch in my family room. That would be my preference. However, for some reason, Bella feels massively cared for if my rear is not on my couch, but outside with her. So I do it as often as I can. I’m beginning to think that loving her in that way just might be radical living.
Canaan came to me the other night right before bedtime and asked me to sit with him and work through a Sudoku puzzle. It had been one of those days where I really couldn’t wait for bedtime. Berkeley had been up since 5:30 am, my day had been filled with volunteering at school parties, baking Halloween treats, putting the finishing touches on costumes. The only time I had sat down was in the car as I was driving, and to nurse the babe. I was spent. So the thought of using brainpower, as well as any more physical energy to do anything but lay down and go to sleep, was exhausting just to think about. I all too often say no to those kinds of things, but on this particular occasion, I happened to say yes. And then after we worked through the puzzle, and I was minutes from having everyone in bed and my night finally to myself, he asked me to cuddle with him before he went to sleep. And I did. Its not building homes for the poor, or handing out food to the hungry, but I think in that moment, those cuddles were radical.
And my sweet Berkeley…oh my…she is the best baby in the entire world. I tell her that all day long, and I really mean it. Most of the time, she sleeps amazing at night. But she doesn’t really like to nap during the day, unless she is in my arms or she is lounging in her stroller and we are strolling the aisles of Target. That’s wonderful on the days that I need to do that, but its dangerous to have to stroll the aisles of Target everyday, and truth is, momma’s got stuff I gotta do at home! Which means that sweet babe needs to nap…in her crib! But you know what? The days are long but the years are short, and sometimes I just hold her, and let her sleep in my arms. And everything else falls to the wayside, and my house is in complete chaos, and momma gets no down time. Radical, perhaps?
Would other Christians look at my life and say its radical? Me, just a SAHM, getting through my day…in my gated, golf course, beach community, driving around 2 SUVs (albeit old and handmedowns) but nonetheless, my kids going to one of the top schools in the city, the ability and desire to buy gallons of organic milk? Spending my days wiping spit up, and dirty bottoms, and sandy feet? Probably not. They would probably say that I need to be more radical.
But…what would Jesus say? Would Jesus say my life is radical? As I mop up spilled milk, and walk out to the bus stop in my PJ’s, and cuddle my kids? or lay in bed for a few months with IV’s and a sweet baby growing in my belly? Or play monopoly for the 10 hundredth time? Or wash out poopy diapers? Or read Harry Potter with my son? Or fold loads of laundry? or bake rice krispie treats for 21 4th graders? Or nurse a baby for a few hours every day? or sit on the sidelines of a 9 year old’s early morning Saturday football games? or braid a 6 year old’s hair and paint her nails? I am convinced that he would sweetly embrace me and tell me just how radical my ordinary, middle class, SAHM life really is. Because it’s exactly where He’s put me and exactly where He wants me.
I want to cry as I type that because it’s just so freeing. My heart has been held captive in this place for months…but today Jesus offers me freedom from that captivity. Of guilt. And comparison. And striving to be more and do more.
You know the problem with succumbing to the pressures of “go do more…go be radical?” When i’m just trying to survive through the day as it is…just barely keeping my head above water…If I succumb to the pressures to do more I will literally and physically be unable to live the radical life that He has for me right now as “just” a mommy.
I know that we have been called as believers to go into all the world and proclaim the good news. I am not ignoring that call. There is great great value in that call. i believe in actively doing ministry. after all, that’s my husband’s full-time job. But you know what? If I think about it, i think mommas are doing just that too. Do I even realize the privilege I have of forming and shaping and guiding the little lives growing up under my care? If that’s not going into the world and proclaiming the good news, then I don’t know what is. If i’m so busy “saving the world,” and neglecting my role of mom in the process, then I think i’m missing the point.
Everyone is wired differently. In this current season of my life, and with my personality of getting easily overwhelmed, adding anything else in right now is almost impossible. Does that mean i’m useless, and unvaluable, and not radical? The deciever, and maybe even other Christians, would like for me to believe so. But my Promise Keeper, my Truth Teller, is convincing me of otherwise.
what about the radical call to help the poor, widowed, and orphaned? i completely believe in doing that. i believe in ministry to the poor and needy. i believe in missions…going out…leaving home. i believe in leaving comfort and entering into the lives of other people. if i had all the money in the world i would support every ministry i could, every social justice movement i believed in, and i would send everyone i know on a mission trip. but you know what i’m realizing? There are just as many poor, widowed, and orphaned people in my gated community as there are in Haiti…or in the government housing just down the way. I know because I’m hearing the stories of my neighbors. I’m dwelling on the front porch as they pour out their hearts and tell stories of heartbreak, abandonment, abuse. Jesus is needed just as much in a wealthy gated community as He is needed in the heart of Haiti. Simply put, Jesus is needed. And He places us where there is a need. And there should not be guilt if its not in some “radical” place.
Maybe it would be good of us to stop determining for each other what is radical and what isn’t and lets instead embrace the different callings we all have from Jesus. Ministry to God’s people is extensive and vast. Some of you may be called to a foreign country to live amongst the poorest of the poor. Some are called to minister to the inner city. Some are called to be pastors, lead Bible Studies. Some are called to be mommas. Nothing more, nothing less. Some are called to be engineers, teachers, entrepreneurs, Target cashiers, bloggers…
I think it’s so unbelievably honorable that my most important job right now is as a wife and mom. And that is it. No adding to that.
This idea floating around about being radical…it’s guilt inducing. And if I’ve learned anything about Jesus and the gospel of grace over the last 10 years its this: there is no condemnation in Jesus. If you are feeling guilty, it’s not from God, i’ll tell you that much. It’s from that sneaky satan who wants nothing more than to crush God’s children.
Truth is, we cannot be ordinary if we are living as God’s children. Simply dwelling as God’s children makes us extraordinary. So this life I am living as a mom right now…it may seem ordinary. But with Jesus, it becomes extraordinary. And when I believe that is true of me, then the Gospel can spill out amongst the dirty diapers and runny noses, amongst the hurting neighbors and stressed out fellow SAHMs. His love can be proclaimed just as loudly in a gated golf course community as it can be from the pulpit of a mega church.
Yes…many may argue that I could use this as justification to sit in my house all day and do nothing…remain lazy. To seek after the American Dream. To remain comfortable. To never “go into all the world.” To not love. To not engage in the brokenness of this world.
But when i believe that God makes me extraordinary, even in my day to day, then the moving out happens as a natural response of of His love, and not out of guilt to do more and be more.
But…in reality, most days my moving out is with my kids in my home. And that’s not only okay…that, in my opinion, is radical. Some days the moving out might be beyond the borders of my house into a neighborhor’s front yard. Some days it might be out of my neighborhood. Some days it’s to Haiti. But I can only move when God is the one telling me to move. I can only love when I know that i’ve first been loved…and declared radical simply because He is radical! living a radical life might be more about soaking in God’s love over me and letting that spill out to whomever God has placed around me than going to some crazy place or doing some crazy thing.
my hubs used to be a youth pastor. As we watched our students come to the end of their years in college, we began to see the struggle for the large majority of them. They begin to believe the lie that unless they go into ministry, or move to a foreign country to do missions, or find some kind of job that seems radical enough for Jesus, then they are failing. They were willing to sacrifice the unique talents and skills and passions that God had given them to pursue the “Radical Christian Life.” It totally saddens me that our world is set up that way. That the idea of having a secular job, or staying home with your kiddos, or living in the states in a nice neighborhood, can’t be ministerial.
if you happen to be one who is living that “Christian” kind of radical life…the one where you are in the midst of the inner city, or a foreign land, or contemplating selling everything you have to follow Jesus…I am so unbelievably thrilled for you as you enter into God’s specific calling on your own life! it continues to amaze me to watch people listen for God’s call, and faithfully follow His lead, even if it means great sacrifice. but I pray that you are moved out because of Jesus’ love over you and His specific call for your life and not because of some pastor or author or church-goer’s demand to be radical.
I would’ve thought that Jesus would’ve moved my family to Haiti before he moved us to our current neighborhood. many days i think we’d actually fit in better in Haiti. But there is no doubt in our minds that He wants us right here, right now. And that might mean that I just have to ignore the cries of my fellow believers to start getting radical and instead choose to believe the cry of Jesus over me, “my radical child, take care of your children. love your (rich) neighbor. Enjoy your most important job as a mommy and a wife and a friend.”
So lets encourage one another and build each other up as we all enter into our own unique calling. Let’s stop playing God and telling each other what we are supposed to be doing, but instead remind each other just how much we are loved and adored by the King of the universe.
Bella asked me the other day if I thought that satan knows how much Jesus loves him. It is an absurdly profound question…one that I’ve never thought about before. Jesus loving satan? But as I pondered and talked with her about it, i told her that no, I didn’t think satan knows how much Jesus loves him because if he did know, then his life and purpose here would look drastically different.
It’s no different for us. When we know how much we are loved by Jesus, it moves us out. That’s ministry. That’s radical. We love because He first loved us. It doesn’t get more radical than that. And ministry can take on many many forms, and for me right now, my radical ministry just happens to be to the 3 little crazies whom I get to call my children, and to my new neighbors who I get to call friends!
This post…its been stirring for months. And today I write it more for myself than any of you. I need to remember this. I need to know that there is value…GREAT value…in “just” being a mommy. That living radically for Jesus can look different for different people. And that God, above all else, wants us to know how radical His love for us is, and wants that radical love to be the motivation for our radical lives. Not to prove something to ourselves, other people, or Him. But to be faithful and intentional in the places He’s put us and with the people that He’s given us. So I hope this frees you the way it frees me, to dwell contently exactly where He’s got me, doing the unique job that He’s given me to do.
thanks for letting me spill. i would love to hear your thoughts too!
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