Light Bearer?

I’m back. For today anyway. I think i’m on the upswing. There’s a part of me that feels very cautious…like I don’t want to get my hopes up. Like this could just be a teaser. But i’m being weaned off treatments, and am now just down to oral meds. As long as I take them on schedule, I can function. And i’m beginning to feel closer to a normal person. I forgot what that feels like. I apparently forget a lot. Jake has been telling me that a lot lately. Like how I think my stomach is growing by the second, at a much faster rate than my last 2 pregnancies:

here’s a pic at 13 weeks…i can live with that:

here’s a current pic, at 15 weeks:

how does it grow that fast?  I’m not just saying this…but I am much bigger than I remember being with my last 2 pregnancies at this point.  and i’m much bigger than the cutey preggos i’m surrounded by who are much farther along than i am.  I hear that happens with #3. it makes sense. I’ve been completely sedentary for the last 2 months, and that is not something my body is used to. I’ve also only eaten what sounds good, and that hasn’t been spinach and kale, let me tell you. But then again…Jake says that I have a horrible memory. That I can’t remember anything. He’s probably right, because if I could have remembered how hard pregnancy is for me, than I probably wouldn’t have done it again. Good thing I have a terrible memory, cause we all sure are jazzed about this new addition, and are already totally smitten with our little lump!

Anyway….I’ve debated…to write this post or not write this post.

Then I got an email from a friend with this verse out of the Message:

Matthew 5:13-16

“You’re here to be light, bringing out the God colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept….If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in Heaven.”

I could read that verse and feel very guilty as I look back over the last 2 months. I haven’t been able to bathe myself, feed myself, change my own clothes, let alone be a light-bearer. I have been completely incapable on my own of anything. I’ve been an added “thing” to take care of. Being a burden on people is my least favorite feeling in the whole world. I like to be capable myself. I don’t like feeling like i’m putting people out, adding more stress. I like to do it on my own. But I haven’t been able to, and its made me feel like I want to crawl into a hole and stay there by myself until I am better and can be capable again. Its made me feel unworthy of anything. But my friend went on to say that i’m shining, 24/7, no matter how I feel. And I pondered that a long time. I don’t believe it. Cause I have felt hidden from the world. Its been a dark, hard time for me. I have felt useless, burdensome, and needy. I have been completely void of any semblance of strength…physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

But as I pondered, God spoke. He reminded me that its impossible for me to be useless, unless I’m relying on my own usefulness that I try to muster up on my own. That promise in Matthew…it reminds me that God is the one shining. He choses to do that through weak and needy people. And that He cannot be kept secret, even when the vessel is too weak to do it on her own. That He still is powerful enough to shine through even the weakest vessel, the vessel that is incapable of doing anything, the vessel that feels like her existence at the moment is a burden and only a burden.

and it got me thinking. Our stories, no matter how messy, hard, or sob story-like they are, are meaningful, and are meant to be told. Because “by opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God….” that’s the promise we’ve been given, and my most favorite part of blogging. This part of my story, the part that’s kept me isolated from the world for the last 2 months…its purposeful. I have no clue the full purpose in it. Don’t worry…i’ve asked myself and God that question a billion times lately. I don’t have the answer. But even without an answer, I know it has purpose. So i’m writing it. Cause who knows what God wants to do with it? I’ve been surprised by how God uses the tiniest thing that just happens to end up on this blog for a purpose far greater than I could muster up. I guess that’s part of this whole light-bearer thing. We shine in ways that we are incapable of on our own. I guess I want that…to shine…in a way that I can’t on my own, because His story is the one shining through.

I mentioned in our big announcement that I have struggled with what is called Hyperemesis Gravidarum with my previous pregnancies, and this one has been no different. I thought it would be easier this time around, mainly because i’d been there before and we already knew what treatment plan finally helped during my last, so I figured we could just jump right in and have it all figured out and just wade through the next few months. I don’t know why, but it didn’t turn out that way.

When I first learned I had HG when I was pregnant with Canaan, and began the treatment for it, I felt so guilty. Like I was over-reacting, or just a wimp, because I didn’t know of anyone who was struggling like I felt I was. Thankfully, I have the most amazing doctor, who assured me that I was not over-reacting, and affirmed that what I was feeling was not normal, was very much a medical condition, a rare “pregnancy disease” and that I could not and should not deal with it without treatment, or it could cause serious complications to my health as well as my baby’s health and growth. He explained to me that my body rejects the hormones produced in pregnancy, and that my body relates to them as if they were toxins. (makes sense, because i’ve never been able to take birth control pills. It affects my body the same way as pregnancy does because of the hormones…one of the indicators that HG might’ve been in my future.) So my body takes whatever measures necessary to rid my body of the hormones. Problem is, it doesn’t work. The hormones don’t go anywhere, no matter what effort my body makes to get rid of them. That helped me understand what was going on. But it took me a long time to not feel like I was a crazy person. I searched and searched for people who could relate, who could affirm that it was not all in my head. I’m hopeful this post can be that for someone at some point.

HG is a funny thing. Its hard to wrap your brain around, especially if you’ve been pregnant before and NOT had it. I had a very very sweet, well meaning acquaintance tell me that she’s sure she had it with all 5 of her pregnancies. She went on to say that she just simply made the decision to get up in the morning and take care of her family because they needed her and that was her job. I did not say much in return, but my insides were burning. Trust me…if I could simply make the choice to just get out of bed and take care of my family…heck…take care of myself for that matter, I would’ve done that long ago. True HG does not give you that option. It is not normal morning sickness associated with pregnancy. It is completely debilitating, 24/7.

That’s the place i’ve been in the last few months. Debilitated is the only word that I can think of to describe how I feel. I am incapable on every level of doing anything. And it has been hard for me to be in that place. (here comes the sob part of my story, but hang in there, because there’s a purpose for it.) My treatments have included a PICC line to administer meds and fluids, which unfortunately got infected and formed a blood clot and had to be taken out.

(they came and trained Jake how to be my round the clock nurse)

We were then given a Zofran pump, that my dear husband had to insert into my stomach every few days to administer Zofran (an anti-nausea medication) directly into my tissue to be absorbed by my body.

(i just painted that coffee table.  i don’t know how i lived that long with it looking like that!)

I also needed a bag of fluids administered daily through an IV. The only place my body can handle IV’s without them blowing are in the crook of my arm, so I just had to guard it with my life and keep my arm completely straight. When I use the word debilitated, I truly mean it. At times, it was comical. My poor hubs…he had to do EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. Not just take care of the kids, (I really wish I had pictures to show you of the outfits that Bella went out in public in…lets just say, she made some loud fashion statements, and people knew I was not the one dressing her!) pack lunches, do laundry, make dinner, clean, run all the errands, move us into our new house, move us out of our old little beach home, etc, but he also had to completely take care of me. He had to wash my hair, change my clothes, change out my IV bags, insert my pump….

he even had put my hair up for me, since I couldn’t bend my arm. Here’s one of his many masterpieces:

i’d like to tell you that we were so loving and patient with each other during the whole process. If I told you that, it might make me feel better, but i’d be lying. It wasn’t like that. Sure, there were times of that…lots of times of that. But not all the time. There was lots of frustration, lots of crying, lots of impatience. That’s reality folks. Even the most loving relationships do not come without selfishness.

if you know me, then you know that I am a do-er. I have learned how to be capable in life, how to get stuff done. Its something i’m good at actually. Its something I find life in…how capable have I been today…of being a good wife, mom, friend, Christian, housekeeper, cook, clean-eater, blogger, etc… when your idols are stripped from you, it hurts. And it makes you feel worthless. My idol of doing…it was stripped from me on every level imaginable. I couldn’t even pray…it took too much energy to form the words. And we moved during this time…that’s like dangling a piece of meat just out of reach of a hungry alligator. It made me crazy to be incapable of being organized, packing, unpacking, setting up our new house….i had to completely rely on other people to do it all (for which i will be forever grateful, but the process of accepting generosity like that is extremely hard for me.)

This sickness for me usually lasts until 4 and a half – 5 months into my pregnancies. But when I woke up last Friday morning, a bit shy of 4 months, and felt different…better…and started to wean off my treatments, i began to wonder how it could possibly be? I mean…sure we asked God to heal me, but I’m not sure I really believed He would, and I haven’t cracked open my Bible for months, I haven’t studied, had a quiet time, attended bible study, listened to sermons, read books, even prayed beyond quick, desperate prayers of “help me” or “heal me.” could it possibly be true that He was taking it away now? Sooner than expected? It can’t be true. I didn’t do anything to deserve the healing. I guess I could’ve understood it better had I done something recently to point back to…like…It must’ve been that verse I read where I finally believed that He would heal me. Or maybe it was that sermon I listened to, where I finally came to the place of trust in Him that even if this lasted all 9 months then I would still be thankful. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I was in a place of frustration, desperation, sadness, depression. As Jake and I discussed this, we both wanted to be able to point back to something we did to earn the early healing. It was frustrating that I had brought nothing…absolutely nothing…to the table. And then it hit me…

2 Corinthians 12:9-10,

“for when I am weak, than I am strong.” I could cry just typing that. Maybe that’s the whole point. Maybe I needed the weakness, the debilitation, for God to do His job. Maybe I need to quit trying to do it for Him. Maybe its debilitation that I need to carry with me through every single day of my life…not just when HG has me down.

He came for the sick, for the weak. He did not come for the strong. The strong don’t need Rescue. Its the sick ones, the weak ones that need Rescue.

Mark 2:17

“Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I’m here inviting the sin-sick, not the spiritually-fit.”

I had to be knocked down, into a place of debilitation, to realize that those moments in normal life where I feel capable, where I feel “spiritually-fit,” should really and truly be my darkest moments. Because i’m further from my Rescuer, Who has come for the weak. And those moments where i’m so weak I can barely stand it, where I feel so useless, and so burdensome, and so unlovable…those are my rich moments. I have to say…i want the rich moments. I’m not saying I want to feel physically the way i’ve felt over the last few months, but I want the richness that comes when I am completely incapable of anything on my own. I had to literally be physically incapable in order to see it.

I was emotionally strong in the beginning. But the last 3 weeks, all i’ve wanted to do is cry. Jake will tell you. Most days have been filled with tears. I could blame it on the fact that i’m pregnant…and tears happen when you’re pregnant! But i’ve been frustrated. And just done. Cooked. Worn out. At the end of my rope. I kept telling Jake that I had no more fight left. I was spent. I couldn’t do it anymore.

Matthew 5:3

“You are blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God…”

that’s the beauty of this life. It is contrary to how we are normally wired to operate. It goes against the grain of everything we’ve been taught. This life…its oxymoron-ish. I’m at my strongest when i’m weak. When there is less of me, there is more of God. Its my desperation and debilitation that He desires. He has come for the sick, not the healthy. My sin, the darkest parts of my heart, are what draw me closer to my Rescuer. It doesn’t make sense. Thank God. I’d be up a creek without a paddle if this world operated the way we humans do. Thank God that He flips the world upside down.

(tutorial for canvas coming soon!)

So friends, that’s where I am. Do I feel normal? no. maybe I never will be normal again. Maybe I will carry weakness with me, but this time around wear it more like a medal. Like Paul, maybe I will be more likely to boast in my incapable-ness, because its in that place where my Rescuer shines through. So maybe its true that i’m a light-bearer….because my weakness and my debilitation allow the True Light to shine through the darkness. I hope that remains true of me, even when i’m back to 100% physically. I bet i’ll forget. After all, I do have an awful memory! But i’m hoping that my view of my God is forever changed. That my debilitation and my dark months with HG and my sob story are forever reminders, limps to carry throughout life, stones of remembrance, that its God’s work to make me a light-bearer, and that He does it best when i’m at my worst

hope to be back more sooner than later. After all, the first day I was off IV’s, I attempted my first Annie Sloan Chalk Paint project. And I have a lot to say about how much I love ASCP!!!  and we have multiple house projects underway at the moment, so it will be fun to share details with you!

until then,

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