a wounded heart

this is gonna be a raw post. (don’t you just love when i start that way ? )

i just need to share my heart a little bit.

when i started this little ol’ blog, it was with the thought that it would just be for my family and close friends to read. i honestly don’t know how it became anything other than that, but it did. however, to whom much is given, much is expected…what He has given is meant to be used for the good of others and for the advancement of the Kingdom. my hope and deepest desire is that God is making me a faithful steward of what He’s provided. my desire is to leverage all He’s done with A Small Snippet to advance His Kingdom, and to let others partake in the ways that God has blessed this little blog.

but i am human, and i doubt myself all the live long day. and i don’t believe in myself. and i don’t believe God, and the path He’s set before me. and my face is turned downward. and i am filled with guilt…am i being faithful? am i loving others? am i being real? does God care about this blog? am i building my own little kingdom, or am i utilizing what God’s provided to proclaim His glory?

and yet…God turns my face upwards again. He lifts my face in His hands, and he tells me this, and its what i hold firmly to: “LeAna…I am in it all. I love to see My children come alive when they are doing something they love. I have made you as a creator, in My own image, and this blog…its a creation. I can use everyday, ordinary things…and make them extra-ordinary. I can use anything of this world to proclaim My Glory. even the rocks will cry out. all things are of Me, and I am in all things.”

really God, even a little blog…that is seemingly so insignificant…written by a “Doubting Mom” who lacks the skills and emotional stability to do it on her own?

“yes…my child, even a little blog…”

you see…this blogging thing…its a huge risk. and if you know me personally, then you know very well that i am not a risk taker. i like things to be orderly, and in control, and i like to follow the rules to make life simple. i don’t like to open myself up to being hurt. i’d rather live shelled off and shut away and quiet, then risk having people doubt me, accuse me, hurt me. well…the Gospel…its risky. using the means that God has provided, even if it doesn’t make sense to the rest of the world…its risky.

not remaining quiet…its risky. and this blog…its really risky.

the reality is…its in that very risk that i am awakened once again to the fact that i need a Great Big Rescuer.

this whole blogging thing…it has seriously opened me up to wounds. and i’m feeling them. i wish i could tell you that i’m one of those people where things just roll of my back. but i’m not. the things people say hurt. and they hurt deeply. and i remember them, and i think about them, and sometimes they follow me around like a low hanging dark cloud, keeping me in a fog.

i know that when you choose to share your life on the worldwideweb, that criticism comes with the territory. but what i didn’t know was how much it seems that people just like to take jabs without caring about the consequences or the people they are jabbing. they like to throw darts just to hit a target, without really caring about what that target is. i didn’t realize how much it hurts when others de-value what i’m doing and question my motivation for doing it. i didn’t realize how much i crave the approval of man…and i didn’t realize how very hard it would be to live out of God’s voice over me instead of the voices of others…

this is a blog. it is a place that i dreamt up, that God blew His breath into, and that He is in the process of taking somewhere. i just get to come along for the ride. its His gift to me. it is not meant to meet everyone who reads deepest desires, needs, or expectations. a blog is just a blog…and nothing more. it is apart of my life, and a place that God has provided for me to share my story and His Bigger Story with the world. if you are disappointed by me, the things i post, the lack of things i post, what i do and do not write about, who i am and who i am not….i am sorry. i mean that. i really am sorry. and my flesh wants to change the way God’s made me to make you happy. BUT…my Spirit is unwilling to let me do so.

i have to hold tight to the One who is directing this ship. i have to move where and when He tells me to move.

i have to trust that, even in the midst of my wounds, He is the One holding me tight, smiling down on me, and showering me with His love. He delights in me. And He delights in A Small Snippet. it still blows me away, that Rescuer of mine. that He enters my world, lives in the midst of it with me, and delights with me in the very things He’s created to bring me joy. and that He showers me in His blessings, even though i am one who is undeserving.

friends…i have a heart. a wounded heart, that bleeds when i am accused of hurtful things…especially things that i don’t really believe deep down are true of me. and things that are opposed to the very words i feel that God has spoken directly to me. it hurts even more when those things are said by the very “brothers and sisters” who claim to need my same Rescuer. maybe it shouldn’t hurt more, but for some reason it does.

i’m not asking you to stop. i’m not saying its not fair. i’m not expecting that i won’t ever be criticised. and i’m not even saying that i don’t deserve criticism. i guess what i want to share today is that i am a human. i am not just words on a computer screen…there is an actual human being behind this blog you read. and that human being is a child of God, with a heart that can be hurt, and a sinner, who is in DESPERATE need of the Gospel of Grace, that covers over, in His Great Love, my MANY weaknesses and failures.

and no matter who you are, we all need to remember that of each other. we need to remember that of the raggedy man asking for change outside the liquor store. we need to remember that of the prostitute on the boulevard. we need to remember that of the young teenager who is pregnant with her 3rd child. we need to remember that of the blogger who is sharing her life with the world. we need to remember that of those whom we may disagree with and those whom disappoint us.

love is a funny thing. it has to be experienced before it can be shared. and i think that when it is not shared, it is because it is not being experienced. i sure hope you experience love here. not from me…but from The Only One from whom all loves flows…and it flowed red, over 2,000 years ago, on a cross, for both you and me.

please remember that of me. and i am asking the Holy Spirit to enter into my wounded heart, and to help me to remember that of you too.

and yet, even in the midst of the wounds, God comes in and reminds me of the path set before me…and i have joy…joy over the opportunity to share with you, joy that He has and is providing the means to do so, joy that God is waking up my soul (that has remained hidden for too long) to the very things that He has created me to do, and joy for those of you who have chosen to come along with me on this journey. i am grateful,