May
02
:: Friendship ::
(fyi: the photos in this post are super random, and lots of throwbacks! enjoy.)
This post has been a long time coming. As in…i’ve written it in my head a billion times. I’ve gotten numerous emails and comments asking me to write about this subject. I’ve put it off, time and time again. Mainly because, and I have to be honest and upfront, i am THE…LEAST…QUALIFIED person to write a post about the subject of friendship. Seriously. That is not just me trying to be humble. It is the God honest truth. Don’t believe me? Just ask my friends 
I have to ask myself why I’m even writing this post. It’s risky for me. Its gonna be one of those soul bearing posts, that I may not ever bounce back from. In other words, people who know me will read it. And might find out things about me that might make them want to run, screaming for the hills. But if you are like me at all, then I need to, in this life, know that I am not the sole Crazy out there.
That maybe, just maybe, there are others on this planet that share my same struggle, my same heartache. And in knowing that, maybe there can be peace. And reassurance. And rest.
A dear sister/friend shared this quote with me from a book she’s reading, titled, Amy Carmichael: Selfless Servant of India 
“What will people say? How strange it will look! Nobody will understand….then like a swarm of mosquitoes the unkind misjudging remarks that many could make, and then, hardest of all, again and again fears about those nearest and dearest. Through them all came calmingly the assurance that, as to what hurt most, HE would take care of that, and as to others, one must be content to be misjudged.”
This post is my offering to you today.
It’s gonna be a messy one, but hopefully one that might bring you comfort. Offerings are sacrificial in nature anyway. And sacrifices come at a cost. I’m hoping that the benefit might far outweigh the cost. and plus…I need to write it for myself. cause once you speak something, you can’t hide anymore. and hiding does no one any good!
Seriously though, after reading comment after comment, and email after email from you, I am completely convinced that friendship is an issue we all struggle with, in one way or another. But not only that, what I am beginning to realize is that we are all the same. We might try really hard to be unique, different, pretend that things don’t bother us…but I really believe the large majority of women live very lonely lives. Loneliness looks different to everyone, but no matter how it plays itself out in your life, I’m willing to bet my right arm that, like me, you know that feeling all too well.
Loneliness is defined by “being without companions.” In the past, i’ve wondered about how I could possibly feel lonely if I think of that definition. Because of where life has taken my family, I am not without companions. But…I am one who can be surrounded by people physically, and feel very much alone. In fact, I often feel very much alone when surround by people! Its a weird phenomenon. But when I think of the word companion, I don’t think of it like physical companion. I think of it as heart companion, a “sister,” a go-to, a safety net. When thought of in that context, I wonder how many of us are truly without that kind of companion?
The majority of my life can be summed up pretty simply…I’ve lived on an island. Not a physical island (although Florida, being the Peninsula that it is, is pretty darn close!) but an emotional island. I am completely, 100% an introvert. That might surprise some of you. I’ve had people argue otherwise. Maybe because I can play the social game. But I know myself. I know what makes my heart beat, and what causes me massive anxiety. People and relationships do both for me. I don’t like to mingle. Lots of people tend to drain me. I’m not one to seek out new friendships. I’m much better one-on-one. I don’t need, nor desire, a lot of friends. I LOVE depth. I LOVE when I am with people who can engage my heart, and who respond to me engaging their’s.
And truth be told…there are very few people on this planet who I really want to do that with. Because I am constantly desiring depth, small talk seems like nonsense to me. But I also don’t have the energy to engage each person I’m in contact with in a deep, emotional way. So that leaves me in an introverted dilemma: I crave relationships, but with only a small few who crave them the same way I do.
My hubs on the other hand…he’s completely an extrovert. There are people who jokingly call him the Mayor of our small little beach community. He knows everyone, genuinely…and I mean genuinely, cares about everyone, and we cannot go anywhere without him stopping to have a conversation (and often times a long one) with someone we run into. I often joke with him that he could hold a conversation with a brick wall. He loves well. He really does. And I wish I were more like him in that regard. People do not wear him out. That makes him one darn amazing Pastor. His capacity to love a large amount of people deeply blows me away.
I’m not like that. My capacity is not the same as one who finds energy from people. Therefore, I only really desire to deeply engage in a few. Jake can meet with 5 (or more) different people a day, and totally feel energized. I can meet with one, and feel drained. Not because I didn’t love meeting with them, but because the feelings I feel once I go deep with someone linger with me, burden me. I do not gain energy from being around people. That’s what leads me to believe that I am an introvert.
I spoke with a Pastor once, whom I greatly admire and respect, about this subject, while I was in turmoil over feeling guilty about a friendship that was not working. I did not feel mutual encouragement or exposure with this person. It felt one-sided, and competitive, and it completely drained me. The question I asked him was this, “Is it okay to break off a friendship with someone who truly, in and of themselves, is an amazing person, and hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong, but the relationship between the two of us is just not what I need, and is draining me completely?”
his response to me was a complete turning point in my life, and although he didn’t directly answer my question, he spoke truth over me, and it was as if God Himself were speaking to me. This is what God spoke to me through what He said:
“LeAna…not everyone is like you, but your front porch is very small. There are only very few rocking chairs available. Maybe even just 1 or 2. You are free to fill those few rocking chairs with those whom you are safe with, with those whom you want to mutually and deeply share life with. You do not need to feel bad about being choosy, about being careful. Your front lawn might be bigger, with more space, that you can fill with other relationships, but those rocking chairs….they are sacred. Fill them wisely. And don’t feel the pressure to fill them with just anyone. And if someone is pushing their way into your front porch rocking chair but that person is not a mutually free and safe person, feel the freedom to remove them. And don’t feel guilt over the fact that God created you with a small front porch. It is who you are, and who you were created to be. Others might have bigger front porches. That’s okay! Enjoy your own front porch.”
This hit me like a load of bricks. It was literally in an instant that the blinders fell off my eyes, and I began to see my current friendships (which at the time I thought was as deep as I could get, but constantly left me more thirsty than when I began) for what they were…idols that I had created, where I found my worth in how these friendships was operating. Were we okay? Was I the chosen one? Did I feel comfortable with my standing within this friendship? Was I exposing too much? Too little? How come it didn’t feel safe? Am I needed as much as I am needy? What hurt the absolute worst was that God was not letting me off the hook. I was not the victim. I was very much the active player. Oh man…i still cannot completely understand why, but it ruined me. For months. As I worked through how to deal with the mess I had very much played a large role in creating, God was tender with me. But in his loving mercy, he stripped this idol of friendship from me, and it left me bleeding out. There was no quick fix, and what “fixes” I did make were so far from perfect. I’ll tell you this…i had to remove myself from the friendship, at the risk of being misunderstood (to be honest, I didn’t really understand myself at the time), and really at the risk of causing great discomfort. Discomfort is that feeling that sends me deeper into the forest of my island. I ran there as fast as I could, vowing to never ever go back to the pain, rejection, and idolatry of friendship that left me feeling empty. I convinced myself that I would be okay with just my little family. That I didn’t need anyone. That I could function just fine within my loneliness.
You see…people scare me. They really do. Relationships, friendships…they sometimes terrify me. And most of the time, that’s not really due to other people. Its due to me, myself, and I. I don’t trust myself. I am a big screw up…my past record shows it, and I am SO afraid to risk it again, for fear of messing it up.
Because of the hard work and heartache involved in friendships over the years, i’ve created a little island just for me, where I can escape and not have to deal with the hurt and the pain. And the only side effect of doing so has been the death of my heart. God won’t have any of it, though, and he has since been in the process of dragging me, often times kicking and screaming, off my island.
I am 100% sure that we were not created to live on an island of our own making. We were created for relationships. That’s been since the beginning of time. God exists in a relationship…the Trinity. He created us for the sole purpose of being in a relationship with Him. I am kidding myself, and slowly killing my heart, when I am pulling away out of fear, or anything else. I am not living out of who I was created to be. And therefore will always feel the lack, whether I let myself believe it or not. I wonder how many of you are there with me?
Here is the harsh reality about who I am, and why friendship is hard for me…I want it to be all about me. I want to be the chosen one. I want attention…or at least a certain kind of attention. I want to be the one who stands out, is noticed, is loved. I don’t necessarily need to be the best, the prettiest, the most accomplished. But i want to be seen, known, loved by certain people. I want to be needed. I don’t like when others get in my way of that. And risking being around others means that I’m risking maybe not being the one who everyone wants or likes or needs the most. And thats when my island seems way more desirable. There’s no risk. There’s no one to compete with. i can avoid those feelings of inadequacy, not measuring up, bitterness. Ugh. That is gross. Completely gross of me to say. But it’s totally true. And I hope I’m not the only one who feels that way. I mean…it’s not good, and would be tons better if no one felt that way…but I really need to know that what I just wrote is what goes on in your heart at times too. See…coming to grips with who I really am and what it is that I am really after…it makes friendships different. When I see what I’m on a quest for…and then when I see that friendships were not created to fill those desires, then maybe I can enjoy them for what they really are created to be. Mutual encouragement. Love. Rest.
I’m getting ready to go on a women’s retreat this weekend, and I get to stay in a beach house with a whole crew of peeps who I know and love. But that makes me anxious. My track record with weekends like this are no good. It makes me wonder if I’m gonna measure up, get the time I want for depth with people, look ok, talk too much, talk too little. My heart and mind go into overdrive! Or am I gonna be in competitor mode all weekend. Wondering where I stand. Worrying about my next move. The feelings that weekends like this…really being around other women in general, conjure up…the fears, the frustrations…they make me want to go hide. My island is beckoning me. And yet, you know what’s bizarre? I’m still pulled to go. There is something that my heart yearns for that makes me take the risk. You know what I want more than anything…this weekend and in life??? I want rest. And oh man…more than anything I want people to be able to rest around me too. And I want to dwell with people who are resting too.
My heart LONGS for connection…a deep, painful longing. At times, I get to taste what its like to have that satisfied. And you know what? It leaves me longing for even more. But I think that’s good. Cause that little taste, that growing longing…its forced me off my island. Its been apart of my redemption process…a thing that God is using to make all things within me new!
There are a few of those kinds of people in my life…”soul satisfying resters”…and I think being around them makes me rest more. And one of the coolest things about those friendships have been that when we aren’t resting, we can talk about it. And we can understand and relate to how each other is feeling. There is no judgement…its a “sinner safe” relationship. Those are rare. In other words…i can expose the real me, in all my insecurities, and still be accepted. And that exposure is mutual. That’s huge for me. I’ve been in friendships before where the exposure is one sided. Maybe those people can be in my front lawn, but my rocking chairs have to be reserved for those willing to dive into the depths of mutual exposure. “Roll away your stone and I’ll roll away mine.” (Thank you, Mumford and Sons
But my resters were a long time coming. It meant weeding out some who were not, and man oh man was that painful!!! It meant being ok with being misunderstood. It meant recognizing that I’m not a rester by nature…that I need a Rescuer to remind me of what’s true…that I am a “Beloved of the Lord’s, in whom I can rest secure, who shields me all day long, and between who’s shoulders I can rest.” Deuteronomy 33:12
That changed everything. It completely fulfills my quest to be known and loved and seen. I am known, and loved, and seen…by the Creator of the Universe! And then I am equipped to do that for others. And I desperately need others to do it for me. I think that might be how friendships work. And why they are so important. And why we were created for them. We need each other. We need each other to remind us of what is true about us….that we are already Beloveds! The island doesn’t provide that for us. And so parts of us that are supposed to come alive just waste away while we hide away on our islands. (And, btw, I still think you can be on an island of your own making even if you are one who loves to be surrounded by lots of people!!)
No wonder friendships are so hard. No wonder we struggle. No wonder we pull away. No wonder they don’t work. Are we all competing for the same thing, just pushing everyone else out of the way in order to get to the top? But not in ‘in your face’ kind of ways. Just subtle. And then when we don’t get it, we get bitter. And even if no one else knows it, our hearts are slowly being eaten away. Devoid of the kind of love and grace that is needed for friendships to not just survive but thrive. Move beyond the surface. Maybe thats how it happens. Maybe not. Maybe we’re just so darn self conscious, so darn self aware, that our insecurities mount up and overwhelm us…drive us back to the island. Maybe, in this crazy, mixed up world, we are both at the same time: competitive and bitter…AND self conscious and paralyzed by our own insecurities. That’s a recipe for disaster. That’s often times me.
I have no answers. I’m not fixed. I’m in the midst of struggle. But I think a good starting point is to speak up. Most of my struggle has been internal. In fact, some reading this may be surprised. I told you that I can play the game well. But just playing the game does nothing for my heart. And it certainly does nothing for others.
My insecurities, the way I over-analyze, my past…it all haunts me. I want do-overs, and try to create them myself. Truth is…i will mess it up until the day I die. I’ve tried to get it right. I never succeed for long. But Do-overs are no longer necessary. Jesus, once and for all, “did-over” all of my past, present and future. And when He did-it-over, He got it perfect.
Present Day…God has given me the gift of a few full rocking chairs. Those “rocking chair fillers” are who I want to dwell with, where we can mutually be exposed, but who are still safe. Those who don’t go running for the hills. There are days when I’ve eaten my fill and am satisfied with a full belly. And there are days when I’m not. The reality of life prevents those chairs from being full 24/7, but when I need them filled, I know exactly who will come fill them.
I still have longings. But maybe I’m meant to have longings. I think i’ll die with longings. But maybe that’s the way its supposed to be right now, in this in-between, the “already” and the “not yet.” See…Heaven is coming, when every longing will be completely satisfied. Maybe my tastes of satisfaction in the here and now, coupled with my thirst for more, will make Heaven that much sweeter. I like to think that might be the case.
So this friendship thing? I have no answers. Zero, zilch, nada. Its a continual journey for me. I have a better idea of what I long for, and I am able to see a little more clearly who to fill that with, but its never quite perfectly satisfying. But that’s okay, I think. My island…its sometimes deserted. And at other times I find myself washed ashore again. But that island…its not nearly as appealing as it once was. The times I find myself back there…i quickly realize that my chance of survival are slim. Its not what I was created for.
I wonder what would happen if we all left our islands and converged somewhere in the middle of all our messes, and helped each other along the way? Not expecting it to be perfect, but loving in spite of the imperfections. What if we took the risk? It might be a sacrifice…of our pride, our comfort, our predictability…and sacrifices are costly. But aren’t they SO worth it in the end??
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